After being kicked out of my ex’s apartment I had to move back in with my old man. You’d think after beating prostate cancer last December he’d be grateful to have me back. But no. He says I need to pay rent if I want to stay in my old childhood room.

After being kicked out of my ex’s apartment I had to move back in with my old man. You’d think after beating prostate cancer last December he’d be grateful to have me back. But no. He says I need to pay rent if I want to stay in my old childhood room.

Just like in high school, Mom picks me up in the Honda Accord with cardboard over the rear window and scratches all around the keyhole.

Dear Mr. Torres, We were very upset to hear that you did not lose enough weight to complete your Contractually Obligated Goal (COG) in the allotted time.

Riblet said she wanted to go to the Burnville Music Festival for our anniversary, but rapper Triple S.E.X. poured malt liquor all over his onstage equipment and started an electrical fire, which destroyed all of Burnville and two state parks, along with the extinction of a dozen different species of birds.

As their Educational Liaison, I lead them past the turnstiles and into the park. I show them Hooverville. It’s a row of decrepit shacks with bums sleeping outside of them.

First off, how lucky we are to still be thriving in this economy! Because not everyone’s so lucky. Some people are out there sleeping under bridges and rubbing sticks for warmth.

Had a great time going back home for Thanksgiving. Everyone was there—Mom, Dad, my Sister, our championship horse Spencer.

Hello and welcome to Royce’s Corner. This is the only place where we dare to discuss the hard topics, like “why making white children learn Spanish is racist.”

Franny always said our pastries had the consistency of dried paper mache. At night we’d wrap the leftovers and leave them outside for the homeless. Not even raccoons would go near those things.

I always find Kendra by the corgi pen in the courtyard at lunch. We have two hundred square feet of mulch and rubber for the pups to run around down there.

The refrigerator business isn’t what it used to be. Not since you can buy anything on Amazon at fridges at slave-wages.

Nurse Brenda brings in another load of semen from the Collection Booth. We use the latest model of Extraction Units shipped directly from China.